I have recently had some conversations with people who were feeling as though they had failed somehow because they believed they had “worked through” their issues only to find that the same feelings and issues are surfacing again.

I remember this experience well. I distinctly remember learning to connect to my emotions and allow myself to feel the feelings associated with abandonment, to explore my emotions and grieve, and eventually learn to update to my current personal truth. I remember the sense of awe I experienced when I discovered my issue and could see how it was driving me. I also remember thinking that since I had done this work, it would now be resolved and done. Then when my issue arose on another occassion, I felt like I had failed or I was doing something wrong. I had to learn that issues don’t go away and that what is in my unconscious is there to stay. My goal is not to eliminate it or change it, it is to use it effectively. This is life time work that allows me to grow more and more, and I am not a failure because I still have my issues!

Alcohol use is one of the most sensitive areas of personal exploration that anyone experiences. It is laden with a myriad of mixed judgments, creating such confusion over its use that most people summarily dismiss this lesson.

In the spirit of full disclosure, let me announce my personal experience. I am alcoholic. I was raised in an alcoholic family, and I assumed the banner at an early age. By the time I got to college, I was a binge drinker. As I learned to “handle” my alcohol, I drank regularly. Most days, I had several drinks, after work. I could go days without drinking, but my head was always there. I did not create horrible dysfunction in my own family. I worked successfully, interacted with my family effectively, and dealt with issues as they arose. I did not spiral into an alcoholic funk before admitting I had a problem. However, I knew my genetic roots and followed my own use and reliance on alcohol. I knew I would have to quit drinking eventually, and set my 45th birthday as an arbitrary date to enact this pact with myself. I have not had a drink since then, although it appeals to me nearly daily.

Most drinkers would not “credit” me with the label of alcoholic. My story is not destructive enough to warrant the title. If I am an alcoholic, the reasoning would go, then who isn’t? And it is here that the lesson is dismissed and self-examination ends. I do not preach abstinence for all. I know the pleasure that alcohol brings into an often dreary life. I also subscribe to the medical data that some alcohol adds to one’s physical health. The choice to behave in any way, however, must stand in the light, or it cannot be truth. So examination of alcohol use is essential in everyone’s path into Higher Consciousness.

Can one pursue Higher Consciousness and also periodically ingest alcohol in manageable quantities? Absolutely! Can one pursue Higher Consciousness, and ingest large quantities of alcohol? It becomes more doubtful. Can one drink daily and claim to be pursuing Higher Consciousness? Only with a great deal of personal and interpersonal work. Can one realize the higher levels of consciousness while practicing an addictive pattern? No.

It is here that the unconscious jumps into hyper-drive and begins to rationalize and justify. But the continuation of any physical addiction is the only evidence necessary to indicate that Higher Consciousness is not the highest priority.

Being addicted, in content or process, does not make someone a bad person. It merely shows their order of priorities. When someone has alcohol in their system, their presence is limited. They are no longer available for more profound emotions, and thus cannot feel and explore more profound lessons. If someone is doing a behavior that makes them less available to any lesson as it emerges, then they are necessarily practicing avoidance and denial. These are the skills of the unconscious.

When someone chooses to pursue Higher Consciousness, he or she must continuously practice the first choice of consciousness, willingness to feel all that they feel and willingness to deal with all that they feel, “willingness” for short. Willingness is the first skill of consciousness, and it is employed to counteract the inherent skills of the unconscious, denial and avoidance.

People drink alcohol for lots of reasons, but they inevitably come down to “wanting to feel better”. They want to avoid or deny some other experience. They drink to relax. They drink to socialize. They drink to forget. They drink to be included. They drink to counteract their inhibitions. They drink from habit. They drink because their reality is built upon its use. They drink to soften the hard edges of life. They drink in order to reduce some other pain. Drinking is always an attempt to feel better emotions than the ones they are feeling.

Consciousness, however, is gained through each emotion, good, bad, pleasant, unpleasant, large, small, familiar and unfamiliar. If one is drinking, in order to feel better, he or she is trying to manipulate their emotions. The process of growth is thwarted.

Each person decides how dedicated he or she is to their pursuit of Higher Consciousness. Perhaps the occasional drink will not seriously interrupt their commitment. But using alcohol at any level does interrupt commitment, even if only for the few hours it takes to regain full sensitivity to one’s emotions. Each of us must decide what level of interruption to our process of growth we are choosing to allow. The half-step you must go back and re-do, after ingesting any alcohol, may be an unacceptable delay to the consciousness you might have otherwise gained had you stuck in there.

Recently, I was exploring my emotional experience around a situation that occurred in my life and I was reminded of how emotional territory can seem so messy.

It is common that I start in one emotional place and as I follow the Path of Emotion I am surprised about what comes up next. Sometimes, what I am feeling seems to make no sense or seems unrelated or out of proportion to the situation I have the emotion attached to. It takes faith to forge ahead and choose to keep feeling, even if what I feel isn’t making sense to me yet.

I remember a time with a man I was dating when I had chosen to be vulnerable with him and let him in on what I was feeling toward him. He didn’t handle it well and said something rejecting. At the time, I was just learning to feel all I felt and I was trying to trust my newly found process. I was feeling a big emotional experience and telling myself to feel it on one hand, and on the other hand fighting it. He was consistently giving me the message that I was being “no fun” because I was feeling sad.

I remember feeling confused at how much emotion I was feeling and how it really felt out of proportion to the situation. I wanted to make logical sense of it and the more I tried to do that, the further away from learning anything I got. When I finally let myself feel all I felt, I ended up getting in touch with significant memories and imprints that I didn’t know were there and then all that I had felt did make sense to me.

Exploring emotional territory is not neat and tidy, logical and concise. It is meandering and sometimes surprising and often inconvenient. In the midst of it, those who don’t understand what is happening may discount it and offer insults or say “you should just get over it.”  I am always glad when I don’t listen to that and choose to follow my emotional process instead. It is amazing what I learn.

I have an historical, counselor friend who doesn’t believe the Unconscious is important to know and learn about.  BIG MISTAKE!  To refuse to learn how the unconscious is operating in one’s life is to refuse to grow. It means, very literally and practically that you continue to create the same misery and wonder why things never change.

Referring to The Iceberg Model of Consciousness*, 89% of how I operate is based in the unconscious and 11% is consciousness.  This is a huge concept to grasp. What it means to me is that almost ALL (21 hours out of a 24 hour day) of the time, I am operating unconsciously--until and unless I do the work to know, respect and update what is in my unconscious.  Then, I can choose consciously and create a different reality.

The unconscious is only concerned with survival and it frames everything in that context.  I continue to be amazed by what that means.It means: if someone criticizes or disapproves of me, I feel afraid and attempt to do something to make them happy with me.  It means: if I write something on a blog that someone might dislike, I will feel panic; I may not write. It means: I will “give up” what I need if someone else needs something from me.

What does all this have to do with the unconscious?  Unconsciously, I am motivated by everyone being pleased with me. It comes from the very real need as an infant and young child to have my parents pleased with me.  If they did not take care of me, I would not live.

I always thought this sounded so dramatic. It does.  And, it’s exactly how loud the unconscious is and why it’s so important to listen to it and update. Reality (conscious) is that I will survive even if someone is unhappy with me.  And, every time someone is displeased,  I feel shaky. That’s my unconscious.

So???   I need to know why I feel alarm.  Is it because I’m in danger?  If so, I will pay attention and react as if my life depended upon it. (This is the true purpose of the unconscious). If not, I will consciously assess and calm down my unconscious so that I can behave in accordance with truthful reality.   So???  I want to know what is running me….is it helpful or inaccurate?

* Feeling Your Way Along by Stephen BE with Donna BE Chapter 2 pg.33-34)

Something that happens with consistency for me is “unconscious backlash” after I have enacted my personal truth in some way.

As an example, it is common in my family-of-rearing to soften or dilute the truth and to be careful to avoid hurting anyone elses feelings even if it means lying or omitting the truth. This is called caring in my family.

That belief system no longer fits for me. I have claimed as my personal truth that being in truth and speaking truthfully is the highest form of caring. Lying for any reason is a violation of my personal truth and it is dishonoring of myself and anyone I interact with. This is my updated and current personal truth, however my unconscious has other ideas. When I am in a situation where I know speaking my truth may not be well received, my unconscious fears of being abandoned come up and I have to work with those imprints on the spot. I update that my value is to be true to myself and I am willing to be abandoned for that, but I am not willing to abandon myself. I update that I am not responsible for anyone else’s experience and they are not responsible for mine. When I am successful with my updates and I choose to speak true, I feel a sense of personal power and I feel solid. I often have a little internal celebration that I navigated that issue well.

Then, after some time, my unconcsious really comes on strong telling me I was mean, uncaring, too harsh, and on and on. I feel a compulsion to apologize for being so truthful. This is unconscious backlash. I have come to expect it and when I am looking for it, it gives me another opportunity to tune into my fear of abandonment and update to my personal truth. When I forget about unconscious backlash, it can lead me astray quickly.

For the majority of my life, I have been afraid of being WRONG.  In my relationship I am prone to fight and defend myself because I have believed that being  WRONG will get me abandoned.  I was imprinted with the belief that WRONG justifies abandonment.  As a child, if I had a need that did not get met, I thought it was because there was something wrong with me, I was not someone of enough value to deserve to have my needs met.  As I have worked with higher consciousness skills, I see the error in ‘wrong justifies abandonment’.  I now believe that it is human to do, understand, say, or believe something erroneously.  My value is not connected to right or wrong, and it stays in tact, I am not vulnerable to a person attempting to devalue me.  I feel safe inside of me, knowing I am of value, and that my value is not something that can be messed with.  My unconscious will be inviting me to behave in accordance to my old imprinted belief, but by vigilantly updating that belief to what I believe to be true for me now, I am living in a different reality.  The need I felt to fight and defend is no longer there, and I have more connection in my relationships.

Chris Jorgensen

“What am I feeling now?” is a great question that I often ask myself. I tune in and try to feel what emotions I am experiencing in any given situation. If I don’t stop and pause and ask myself that question, then I usually run on autopilot and let my emotions run me. I am learning to use those emotions for my growth. Any emotion is a great tool for exploring past experiences that are affecting me in the moment. I can then update to what is True, not what my unconscious believes to be true.

An example of this is one winter day, I traveled with a friend to Denver. She was driving very carefully in the snow, but I was a wreck, sitting in the passenger seat. It was appropriate to be nervous, but I was beyond that to extreme anxiety. I started asking myself that question; “What am I feeling now?” and I tuned into the anxiety.

As I just sat with that emotion, up bubbled past experiences with traveling with my parents as a child. My mother would be so nervous that the energy in the car was filled with terror. We kids felt that at any moment, we would all be killed.

I flashed on that memory, and updated that I am not my mother. I don’t have to accept her unconscious anxiety as mine and immediately, I started to relax. I also tuned into the fact that I was not in control and acknowledged that wanting to be in constant control is an issue of mine. That is not something I value and I updated that I didn’t need to be in control. I also tuned into Faith, and realized that what is on my path, is what is meant to be. In that moment, I was able to use my emotions for my growth.

I was also much better company.

There have been many times in my life where I’ve needed to take a step to grow.  I’ve felt frightened, nervous, panicky and resistant. I’ve tried to recruit others (husband, friends, family) to do it with me so I don’t have to do it alone.  Fact is, I do have to do it alone AND I have access to assistance, guidance and encouragement.

As emotionschool.com opens, I reflect on the beginning of my journey to learn emotional skills.  I wonder if readers of this blog have similar questions and concerns.

• Do I really need emotional skills?
• Will I open up feelings that I cannot handle and then “fall apart”?
• Will I have to make changes in my life that I’m not ready for?
• Am I really capable of learning emotional skills?

To answer my questions:

Yes, I really need emotional skills.  I spent over 40 years trying to think my way through life and control others so that I could “feel better” and get what I needed.  I felt hopeless,dependent and powerless.  Utilizing emotional skills, I’ve created change and have harmony in my life.

Will I fall apart?  10 years later…I have not. Actually I’m more “together” than I’ve ever been. My process has been deliberate and consistent, often challenging but not more than I can handle.

Will I have to make changes that I’m not ready for?   Nope.  I always retain the ability to make choices about my life. Many times, I’ve reassured and encouraged myself, to take “just this one step forward and see how I feel“.   I can choose healthy or unhealthy,   to stay or go…  It is always my choice!

Am I capable of learning?  Absolutely!  Like any new set of skills, I started with the basics.  I felt awkward, slow, inept and frustrated. As I practiced, I gained competence and confidence.  I continue to build on the basics—“How am I feeling now?”

“A journey of a thousand miles must  begin with a single step.”   Lao Tzu (Tao Te Ching)

I often feel that people treat me as if I don’t exist, like the world is not meant for me to be in.  Other people get to experience all that the world has to offer, but not me.  I feel ignored, insignificant, worthless, and of little value.  It is often my experience that people in the world will treat me in that way.  I can even see that I treat others that way myself.  I am so bent on trying to be of value that I have to devalue others to accomplish my goal.  So maybe that is why other people are treating me that way, and it does not have to do with me.  I think, that the truth is I am of value and so are all people.  It does not have to be a system of either someone else is of value, and I am not or I am of value and they are not.  I think all people are born with inherent value, and how can that value be determined to exist or not exist, it just does exist.  So if I accept the concept of having inherent value that cannot cease to exist, and claim that as my truth, I will also claim my own existence and not depend on how other people treat me for validation of my existence.

One of the tools I was encouraged to use in order to become aware of my emotions was a journal. As I was first learning, my journal looked more like a diary than a place to explore emotions. I relied heavily on my mental aspect and I would write about events without getting in touch with feelings. I was very resistant to allowing myself to feel all that I felt. I heard the message about emotions and how they would lead me to my truth and it appealed to me logically, but I still struggled to allow myself to get in touch with emotions.

My resistance was coming from my unconscious imprints that told me I was not safe to feel. I had also been trained to believe emotions were coming from outside sources, and the idea that I was creating all that I felt was hard to convince myself of. I was not aware of those imprints at the time, but using the path of emotion is how I became aware of them. It took a long time to work with that resistance enough to convince myself I really was safe to feel. Because those unconscious imprints are still there, when I journal now I often have to use pretty firm self-talk to remind myself to become willing to feel all I feel. My resistance is still there, but I now have the advantage of knowing about it and the skills to use to get past it.